pushing forward.

I'm home sick today.
ZOMG SWINE FLU?!?! LOLOLOL?!?!!11
No. Shut. Up.

Anyway, here's the deal. I've had a lot of people in my life who have changed, or pretended to be something they're not. And at this point, it's enough already. I get it - people change. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.

But sometimes I see these people. Watch them walking, see what they write, see them laugh, and it seems like they're the same person I always thought they were. Always WISHED they were. I try not to ask much of people, really. I do...but I try not to. I hate when people who are no longer the person I thought they were walk up to me and start talking and I can't hear a word they're saying. All I see when I look at them is something sort of like disappointment. Why couldn't they be the person that I thought they were? A GREAT person. It just makes me so mad and what I'm writing probably makes no sense but whatever.

But the thing is that who these people are is working out for them, making them happy. Therefore making me happy, somewhat. But it makes me so frustrated when they're moving on and being happy and doing what they love...and I'm stuck here. I always tend to cling to people older than me...that have to leave. People I don't really know...who end up disappointing me. People I THINK I know...who end up hardly even existing. And I hate it, and it makes me hate myself. Why can't I be smarter than that? Why can't I just be happy with what I have, who I am, who everyone else is? Why do I have to be so picky...when really I'm lucky to have anything?

It's unfortunate I feel that way. I'm not good enough to have something even basic, why want something extraordinary? It's not fair of me, it's not rational, it's not going to happen. it's setting myself up for disappointment, which I always do. I set my expectations SO HIGH that I'm always let down when they're not met. They've been met once...but that shouldn't count. It didn't really exist. It was a lie, just like the ones I tell myself everyday.

I just want to know what I'm here for. Why I exist. What I'm meant to do in this world. I have this great elaborate plan for my life, but it's like in one of those word puzzles where you have the sentence structure,but you have to fill in the words. I don't know those words yet and I'm scared I won't find them in time. Because that sentence doesn't allow extra time. It's not part of the plan. Or the story.

Honestly, I think I just need something to believe in, and someone to believe in it with me.