I'd like to know

Why things just enjoy not working out for me. Honestly, I don't understand it.

I know there are certain things I deserve. Shit talking someone and having them find out then retaliating is me asking for it. It's my fault, I know. But God DAMN. Certain things just don't make sense. I don't do anything wrong, or at least not in retrospect, and yet I'm still the one that gets all the backlash.

I'm the one that gets the hatred, the resentment, the God knows what else. I put so much of myself into something, or someone (inb4u "that's what she said") and all I get out of it is that person turning their back on me. All I do is try.

I'm human, I make mistakes, I fuck up, I don't apologize for everything I should. I say I have this great life plan, but for all I know it's not going to work out. I was once talking to someone about it, and I realized that what little space I leave for adjustment and change, all the more room for disappointment and upset. I'm old enough to know not to let petty things upset me, not to lose my appetite or come close to getting physically sick because someone doesn't take what I say to heart, or another person wants nothing to do with me. I should be way past the stage of not giving a fuck. But I'm not.

Remembering Sunday just came on. Shit.

Anyway, back on topic. If someone that I care about wants me out of their life, I can swallow my feelings and allow them to push me away. Sometimes I even provide the first couple of steps opposite their direction. But in the end, it all comes back to me. Once the anger and confusion fades, all that's left is what started it all. And that's what hurts the most. Pure, raw, emotion. It's nothing to be taken lightly, and it's not something well understood.

I have no idea what to believe, I don't know who's saying what to whom, how it concerns me, what my opinion on it should be. I just don't know. I don't have all the answers, and I shouldn't. But sometimes I just wish I could let go. It's so hard losing someone and just feeling so helpless, it's like you're gripping onto a cliff and someone is about to step on your fingers, forcing them to unclench and you're just waiting for the weightless feeling of dread dropping in your stomach.

Maybe that's why I'm near being physically sick over something so trivial.

It's really horrible not being able to tell them, too. It's like you just want to scream it in their face, grab them by their shoulders and shake some sense into them, hoping that you won't need to say the words - they'll just know. But that's unrealistic and expecting too much of someone. I do that a lot. I just recently apologized to a friend of mine for it - it eventually ruined our friendship.

I'm amazing at ruining things.