I've been thinking

And it occurred to me that I don't blog much, and I hardly ever blog about happy things. It's always to vent, which is good for me, but rather unfortunate for anyone who happens to stumble upon this blog on a good day and then somehow their mood is dimmed cause I've been having a shitty week.

This week hasn't been great. There's been more deaths of young kids this week than I've seen in a while, and it's really sad. But I vowed this would be a happier post, so I'm not going to go into it.

I've been really happy lately, actually. Aside from the obvious mourning that my entire town and someone close to me is going through, I mean. I've been through enough "bad days" to know how to cheer myself up and get my mind off things. I have to keep busy, write, listen to music, not think, whatever I can do to just not think. I missed Thursday and Friday (/today) of school because I wasn't feeling great, but I guess I didn't miss much due to the loss of the senior in my school, therefore most classes were canceled and assignments postponed. I've been online a lot this week, which has put me in a good mood because I get to talk to people who mean the world to me. Online friendships/relationships are the type of thing that I've found are really hard to be accepted by society until someone has experienced one themselves. Once you get used to it, they're no different from regular friendships, except you don't get to see that person face-to-face. Clearly there's the safety factor involved, but here's hoping that you're smart enough to see the person on webcam or at least in pictures before giving out any more than basic information. Whatever, I'm rambling.

Long story short, I've met some really amazing people, people who continue to surprise me with how helpful and supportive they are each and every day, despite not being able to put their arms around me or tell me it will be alright to my face. There are certain ones who I've felt I was meant to meet one way or another, I think of this time as just a spacer until we meet properly.

Well, either way, most of the time they make me happier than the people I know in my real life do. That's the most important thing, right?

I think so.

I just can't

I'm blogging two days in a row, which is uncommon for me.

I'm trying to write, but I just can't. Everything feels too pretentious, too serious, me over reacting. I'm analyzing my writing and judging it from an outside perspective which I never do. I'm over thinking it, and every time I finish so much as a stanza I throw it away because I know it's just not right. Nothing is right. I'm being melo-dramatic again and I know it. I'm not sure why this is upsetting me so much, it's happened before, it's not a big deal. I guess I just feel bad. I feel stupid, too. And overly sensitive. Which I guess I am - I've always been the type of person who takes things too seriously and can't let go of certain memories. Fuck. I finally got my photography in order, to try and calm my nerves and take my mind off of things. It worked for a bit, but I need something else. I need something to completely distract me because there's nothing I can do at the moment. I'm trying to let go, but I just can't.

I want a mac book. I want to drive. I want to be older. It's not like me to feel the desire to be much more than I am at the moment maturity wise, but I'm just all over the place. I don't know what's wrong with me. I haven't been myself this weekend. I desire everything and refuse to put in the work to get it. I have no one to blame but myself. This game is getting old. Wanting something and then beating myself up for not having the self control or motivation to make it happen. Sitting here saying I'm done, I won't let this happen again and yet continuing to go back to the things that make me feel like I'm not worth it, not enough. This time I need to listen to myself. I need to really buckle down and control what I do, say, everything. I feel foolish and stupid for saying this when I already have many times before with no outcome, but I think I can do it this time. I've said that before too. I'm a mess. I'm a hypocritical, offense repeating, naive, immature, stubborn mess. I wish people would stop lying to me. I wish things worked out. I wish I could do everything I wanted, everything I dreamed.

I wish dreams came true. Not all of them, of course. Not the nightmares. But the ones where everything works out and you're happy and the people you want to be around are there, but the people who you want to forget simply don't exist. I want that. When I was little I would always say how badly I wanted to have magic powers, to control things with a snap of my fingers. I'm starting to feel like that again. I need to go back to my childhood. I was lucky enough to have a good one. The days when I could walk outside and be a part of any world I desired. When I danced around in my room and didn't worry about anything. Being seven was like the best thing ever. No one cared what you did as long as you looked cute and didn't hurt yourself. I want that now. I want people to let go and just not give a shit about the things I do. No I don't, that's a lie. I would be miserable. I don't even know what I'm saying.

I need something I can't control and it's driving me insane.

I feel helpless.

I feel weak, and like I don't have the power to overcome this. I know better, I know that I'm doing everything I shouldn't, but for some reason I just don't care - the more I let go, the happier I am. But I don't know if it's really worth it. What happens if mistakes are made? They sure as hell will be - some already have been. That's really the reason I feel so god damn helpless right now. There's nothing I can do but wait. Nothing but sit here and keep my fingers crossed. It's getting old...I don't care.

School is almost over, thank God. I want summer. I can almost taste the freedom and epic times I'll have. I want everything to just be simple. So many complications in life, so many walls holding you back from people you yearn to get close to. I hate those walls. I hate them so much, and it makes me so angry. Fuck.

I'm in a bad mood. And there's only one thing that can make me get out of it, but I don't know if that will happen. I should read. Or sleep. I really should sleep, I'm so overly tired. I've been taking naps throughout the day which I never do. I don't know what's wrong with me, but it's like at any point in time, my eyelids just close. I can't control it. Once again, I need summer. I need sleep.

I need warmth and the feeling of being free for the first time in my life. I need to forget, let go, do what makes me happy, not care. It's something that I've been trying to do for a while and still just can't grasp - but I will. I know I will.

I need to.

One of those days

Where nothing goes right.

I never do anything to you but care. I never do anything but try to keep my mouth shut and make you happy. I swallow my pride and hide my feelings just to keep things somewhat normal between us. Why are you such a whiny bitch? With your mood swings. I'm done with your bullshit. It's making me tear myself down.

I don't think I'll ever be good enough for anybody. I really don't. I try so hard for people that are important to me that it makes the really important relationships in my life suffer and I still get nothing from it.

I try so hard with him. I really do. I put in time and effort and love, and all I get back is confusion. My friends are right, he's flaky - just like his little girlfriend. I know I need to stop with him. But it's so hard when I've been trying for so long. A year is much longer than I should have wasted, but I just can't forget.

Fuck.

Sometimes,

I really, truly hate who I am. I hate how little self control I have, I hate how I break promises to myself, and I hate how much I care.

I care about things and people who don't deserve it in the least. They don't give me the same amount of concern and yet I still go out of my way to make sure that they are okay. They ignore me, walk all over me, treat me like I'm lucky to know them. I hate it, and I can't take it anymore.

I hate that I promise myself all these things and then my self control gets in the way. I can't do it anymore. It's killing me. It's making me feel so down on myself and it's horrible.

You're stupid and blind and I hate your girlfriend. I'm not sorry about it at all because you can be a real asshole sometimes.

You're a douchebag and don't deserve to have people look up to you.

I just can't care anymore. It's taking so much out of me. I need to look out for my friends, my family, and myself. I need to not feel for people that don't deserve it.

I need to just STOP. God DAMMIT.

I'm not crazy,

Nor am I blind. But I am confused.
Such a bittersweet day for me.
Bitter irl. Sweet online.
It's a tough balance to maintain.
I'm starting not to like it.
It's starting to make things worse, not better.

The image of them is seriously burned into my brain. How dare he just walk on and...UGH. He's so stupid and he has no idea what he does. It's not fair to blame him, because he doesn't know. And I can't tell him. I've already lost a friendship and someone who was so important to me because of something like this, I'm NOT allowing it to happen again. But it's just so hard to see them and think about it and then not know what he's trying to say.

BLAH.

Friends

When do they become more? I don't know.
See the thing is that I know I like him...but I feel like if he felt the same way I would have no idea what to do. It could ruin our friendship. I know how he talks about other girls that he was friends with before they hurt him, and even though he acts normal around them he talks trash when he's with me.

Molly's boyfriend thought we were dating. That was pretty funny.

I wouldn't want to date him. Not now, at least. Not anytime soon. I want our friendship to be so strong that it could hold up a broken relationship. I can't wait until next year. When he can drive and I'm older, she'll be gone. This stupid girl will most likely be out of the picture, we'll have a summer together under our belts. I may be living close to him, who knows.

I honestly just want a male best friend. You know on TV and in movies when a guy and girl are best friends and there's no weird pressure and everything it just chill? They just completely accept each other no matter what? I want that. I don't need a relationship as long as I know someone cares about me. As of now I'm just going to let the chips fall as they may, because it's really the only option that keeps me sane. Just enjoy what I have and let everything else fall into place.