pushing forward.

I'm home sick today.
ZOMG SWINE FLU?!?! LOLOLOL?!?!!11
No. Shut. Up.

Anyway, here's the deal. I've had a lot of people in my life who have changed, or pretended to be something they're not. And at this point, it's enough already. I get it - people change. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.

But sometimes I see these people. Watch them walking, see what they write, see them laugh, and it seems like they're the same person I always thought they were. Always WISHED they were. I try not to ask much of people, really. I do...but I try not to. I hate when people who are no longer the person I thought they were walk up to me and start talking and I can't hear a word they're saying. All I see when I look at them is something sort of like disappointment. Why couldn't they be the person that I thought they were? A GREAT person. It just makes me so mad and what I'm writing probably makes no sense but whatever.

But the thing is that who these people are is working out for them, making them happy. Therefore making me happy, somewhat. But it makes me so frustrated when they're moving on and being happy and doing what they love...and I'm stuck here. I always tend to cling to people older than me...that have to leave. People I don't really know...who end up disappointing me. People I THINK I know...who end up hardly even existing. And I hate it, and it makes me hate myself. Why can't I be smarter than that? Why can't I just be happy with what I have, who I am, who everyone else is? Why do I have to be so picky...when really I'm lucky to have anything?

It's unfortunate I feel that way. I'm not good enough to have something even basic, why want something extraordinary? It's not fair of me, it's not rational, it's not going to happen. it's setting myself up for disappointment, which I always do. I set my expectations SO HIGH that I'm always let down when they're not met. They've been met once...but that shouldn't count. It didn't really exist. It was a lie, just like the ones I tell myself everyday.

I just want to know what I'm here for. Why I exist. What I'm meant to do in this world. I have this great elaborate plan for my life, but it's like in one of those word puzzles where you have the sentence structure,but you have to fill in the words. I don't know those words yet and I'm scared I won't find them in time. Because that sentence doesn't allow extra time. It's not part of the plan. Or the story.

Honestly, I think I just need something to believe in, and someone to believe in it with me.

don't tell me

What to do, how things will turn out, what I deserve, who I should be with, why I'm not with them, what's wrong with me, what's RIGHT with me. Just don't say it. I don't need to hear it.

I'm sick and tired of mixed signals. I'm tired of walking down the halls and seeing you and then having something inside me tugging, telling me to walk the other way. Play with your head, mess with your emotions. Or maybe it's just to keep myself away.

I'm done with being confused, and I'm done with feeling. I wish I could just not have emotions, even for a day. I know I wouldn't like it, I know it's one of those "the grass is always greener" things...I just want to see what it's like to not care. I've been told it's wonderful. I've been told it makes things a million times easier and creates a whole new outlook on life. I've been told it's worth the effort, and worth what you lose. I just want to know the feeling...of not feeling.

I'm so through with people telling me how I should act, what I should look like, what's wrong with how I am now. Who I am now. I hate talking to you. I hate when you walk up to me and act like nothing ever happened between us. Then turn around when you're done with me and walk back to her, just like you did last fall. Just like you've always done. I wish you could understand what you did to me - whether my emotions now or then were rational or not...they existed. I know you still think about me. I have no idea what those thoughts are, all I can say is that I catch you looking at me across the room sometimes and when I look back you don't bother to drop your eyes.

I don't mind being like this. In fact, I'm the most content now than I have been in a while. Things seem easy, life seems carefree, summer is almost here. And yet there's always something....something nagging me and letting me know that no matter how nice things seem, there's someone dying somewhere. There's a chance I'm in the midst of getting my heart broken again. I'm not going to make it to where I want. I'm not good enough.

There's the voice of reason in my head that no matter what keeps me in check. It's necessary and without it I would be a mess, but sometimes I just wish it would keep quiet.

going back and forth.

You drive me insane. Sometimes, you are so moody and pissy and such a little girl that it makes me want to SLAP you. But other times you hold me so tight and are so kind that I can't help but think of you as more than a friend. But the problem is that I can't do that. Your taste is so immature, your heart and your head are so confused. You don't know what you want, so you go after anything. The wrong things. I hate to sound so vain, but I know what is best for you. I know that the people you are choosing aren't right. I've been right so far, why do you refuse to listen to me? At this point I've given up trying.

You're never going to listen to me, you're just going to keep getting mad at me and telling me that I interfere too much and it's your life. And you're right, it is. I should let you make your own mistakes. But I hate that I'm right in front of you, and yet you can't seem to see me. Maybe you see me and pretend you don't. I don't even know.

I always wonder what would happen if I came clean. I keep telling myself that no boys will be best for me, that I need to just step back and give myself some space. But you're always there. I can't help but think about you. I wish I could just get some mental space.

But when you hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay I can't get that space, because at that moment I don't want it.

Spring cleaning

Of my mind, my heart, and my life.

I need to cut people out, and make people work for what they gain. I can't automatically give everyone all of me. My trust is fucked up, It has been for a while, and it's worse now. But oh well. I'll live. It's time for me to grow up and realize that it's not all about me. Some people aren't going to think the same way I do, some people aren't going to like the same things, some people aren't going to care. They aren't going to care about me, how I feel, or my world in general. And I'm just going to have to accept that. And I think I'm ready.

I need to clean out my mind of anything relating to a few specific people. I will start being happy with what I have. Friendships, relationships, possessions, everything is to be cherished and not abused. I don't show nearly enough appreciation for what I have. I get mad at my parents on a whim, but never thank them for the effort they put in. I get pissed when I get bad grades, but don't put in nearly enough work as I should. I get mad when people backstab me, but don't know them well enough for them to know things in the first place. I just need to stop, slow down, back away, and take a good look at things before I leap in.

I bought some new books today, they're both supposed to be very good. I'm reading Cut right now. It's really good, and very interesting. The other one I got is about a girl who's boyfriend died and she still feels connected to him through the grave - it's a book about soulmates. A lot of things have started to lessen my belief in love. I used to think that love at first sight existed - I don't anymore. I used to have no doubt in soul mates - now I need convincing. I'm surprised that I don't just throw the entire idea of love out the window right now. But I know people love me. Maybe not all the ones I want, maybe not the right ones at times, but people do. And I should appreciate that. I say that people who have partners don't appreciate the love they get - but I don't fully appreciate the love and care I get from my parents, which a lot of other people don't have. it's just another thing to get over and move on with.

HAHAHA

Wow. I'm just...hahahaha.

Bravo, Tom.

there was a time,

When I believed in myself. When I looked at myself in the mirror and could smile, and looked forward to the day ahead. I grabbed my bag, my book, and my pen, and I was off. I pretended as if I had issues - maybe pretended isn't the right word. They just weren't as crucial as I thought they were. With more experience, and more hurt, comes more understanding.

I don't have much to complain about. Sometimes I sit here and tell myself I need to suck it up. I need to just get over things and move on. So I'm heartbroken. So are millions of other people. No one is trying to make themselves better, and sitting and indulging in my pain just makes it worse. And yet, it's all I tend to do.

I sit here and stare at my camera. If I just take a walk outside, point it towards something that Mother Nature made beautiful, and pressed the button, I could forever keep something pretty with me. Something to remind me that this life was not meant to be colorless and dreary, but happy and filled with laughter. It's often very hard to look past the darkness in this world to see the pigments, but it's worth it.

I'm so young. And so self-involved. And so focused on making me good enough for myself. Some people would say that the right route. Please yourself before you please others. But my quest for self acceptance has gone no where. It was close to almost being fulfilled, but then that fell through and I'm right where I started. Sitting at this desk, venting to something that can't answer me. My heart tight in my chest. Missing someone.

It's all the same.

the worst part,

Is sitting here. Staring at something that you know could make all the difference, but there's something stopping you. This lit screen is watching you waste away your time looking at it, clicking things, typing things, having a life. But really it's such a menace.

I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for this stupid machine. Although I'm entirely thankful for it and everything, it made a lot of bad things happen. It makes it nearly impossible to get over things. Because there's always a reminder. It's just horrible.

And there's nothing you can do about it. You sit here, planning out what you want to say in your head. You have the perfect thing typed up - worded correctly, spell checked, grammar checked, not too suggestive but still gets your point across - but you can't send it. It could be for a couple of reasons;

1. That person doesn't want to read it, and you know it.
2. What if it just fucks things up more. I suppose it's better to leave it, right?
3. What if it is misunderstood.
4. You're scared of things getting back to how they were.

I mean, really. It's not like it was fun. It was confusing. But it was also habit. I'm not used to being ignored and disliked. I hate being hated.

And yet your fingers still slide along the keys, adding more and more as days go by to that one unsent message that you know the other person has no interest in reading, and will probably only make them more disconnected.

But you absolutely refuse to delete it -_-

I'd like to know

Why things just enjoy not working out for me. Honestly, I don't understand it.

I know there are certain things I deserve. Shit talking someone and having them find out then retaliating is me asking for it. It's my fault, I know. But God DAMN. Certain things just don't make sense. I don't do anything wrong, or at least not in retrospect, and yet I'm still the one that gets all the backlash.

I'm the one that gets the hatred, the resentment, the God knows what else. I put so much of myself into something, or someone (inb4u "that's what she said") and all I get out of it is that person turning their back on me. All I do is try.

I'm human, I make mistakes, I fuck up, I don't apologize for everything I should. I say I have this great life plan, but for all I know it's not going to work out. I was once talking to someone about it, and I realized that what little space I leave for adjustment and change, all the more room for disappointment and upset. I'm old enough to know not to let petty things upset me, not to lose my appetite or come close to getting physically sick because someone doesn't take what I say to heart, or another person wants nothing to do with me. I should be way past the stage of not giving a fuck. But I'm not.

Remembering Sunday just came on. Shit.

Anyway, back on topic. If someone that I care about wants me out of their life, I can swallow my feelings and allow them to push me away. Sometimes I even provide the first couple of steps opposite their direction. But in the end, it all comes back to me. Once the anger and confusion fades, all that's left is what started it all. And that's what hurts the most. Pure, raw, emotion. It's nothing to be taken lightly, and it's not something well understood.

I have no idea what to believe, I don't know who's saying what to whom, how it concerns me, what my opinion on it should be. I just don't know. I don't have all the answers, and I shouldn't. But sometimes I just wish I could let go. It's so hard losing someone and just feeling so helpless, it's like you're gripping onto a cliff and someone is about to step on your fingers, forcing them to unclench and you're just waiting for the weightless feeling of dread dropping in your stomach.

Maybe that's why I'm near being physically sick over something so trivial.

It's really horrible not being able to tell them, too. It's like you just want to scream it in their face, grab them by their shoulders and shake some sense into them, hoping that you won't need to say the words - they'll just know. But that's unrealistic and expecting too much of someone. I do that a lot. I just recently apologized to a friend of mine for it - it eventually ruined our friendship.

I'm amazing at ruining things.

Awaiting arrival

There's a lot to say when it comes to maturity. There's a lot of different aspects to it, and although a lot of people consider themselves mature, they're actually very much the opposite. I'll admit that I consider myself more mature than that usual 14-year-old, but it's for reasons I can not pinpoint. I'm able to learn from my mistakes, and I think that's part of it. And I've made some pretty big ones.

When it comes to me moving on in my life - whether it be from people, activities, places, what have you - I'm either very slow to do so, or I can't. Being so young makes it hard for me to achieve the things I wanted to do, makes it hard for me to take that step forward, because I still can not even get myself around town. I often wish that I was older, and recently has been one of those times.

I've made a pretty big mistake throughout the past couple of months, and this week has shone some light on that for me. I still have a lot of growing up to do, but I know that it will come slowly but surely. I learned from this past mistake, and I plan to never make it again.

internet living.

A lot of people don't understand what it's like to have a life online. They assume pretty much everyone that is on the computer is a rapist or someone after your personal information so they can do what they like with it.

I'll be the first to admit that there are people like that. I'm not going to sit here and say that there are no internet predators, that would be foolish and naive. Of course there are. But there are also tons of people on the internet that are just on here for a good time, to find people that relate to them, people that like the same thing that they do. That's why I waste my time on this hunk of metal that realistically brings me nothing but more drama and stress than I already have in my day-to-day life.

It all started a few years ago. Websites for younger people where you can interact in a very immature setting and just have fun. I actually thank these experiences because they are what introduced me to graphic design, which I have a knack for and actually became quite good, before giving it up and losing interest. I really should start again, I could have had a future career in it if i had just stuck to it and pushed through the creative blocks. But I was young when it started - ten, nearly eleven - and making friends online was something that I only knew about through after school specials, when your "friends" ended up being the pedophile down the road.

I've grown up since then, matured in so many ways. But it feels like that part of me is going to be forever immature, far too hopeful and unrealistic than the part of me that takes care of my daily life in person. I know what to do, what not to do, what's real, when to call bullshit. I know how to take care of myself and stay away from things and people that are going to throw me off track from what I want to do, and where I should be going. As far as 14-year-olds go, I'm pretty good. I know right from wrong. But the second I sit down at the keyboard, it all goes out the window. I'm immature and my hopes are so high for things that are so unrealistic that when they all come crashing down (which they ALWAYS do), it's like I can't find anything to land on. When it comes to the internet, it's all or nothing. I can't only stay in touch with certain people, it's not how it works. I need to keep up with everyone - and they're all linked.

I've lost people online. I had a best friend, but when times got tough I took the easy way out and cut her out of my life. It was probably a cowardly thing, but it had to be done for my own mental health. You start to care so much about these people that you expect to see them daily. Your IMs and emails are the same as chatting in the hall, or meeting up downtown. It doesn't change that it's over a lit screen instead of face to face. And that's a problem. You meet people from all around the world. Different states, contries, continents. And you know that the chances of having enough dedication, time, and patience to meet them are slim to none. And the safety factor something else to worry about.

But still, you care about these anonymous screen names more than you should. They're people too, they go through pain, and when you know someone strictly through text, it's almost like you know them better. You get deep inside their soul instead of just seeing their face. There aren't as many distractions, and eventually, you love them. It's not intentional, and it doesn't always happen. But the same way you love your friends in real life, you love your internet friends.

And then, it comes crashing. It always...comes crashing.
And the sound is so loud that you don't know which way to go, and you panic.
And then you just run away, because it's simply the easiest thing,
and you really just want a grip on reality.

It's so much harder than you would think.