internet living.

A lot of people don't understand what it's like to have a life online. They assume pretty much everyone that is on the computer is a rapist or someone after your personal information so they can do what they like with it.

I'll be the first to admit that there are people like that. I'm not going to sit here and say that there are no internet predators, that would be foolish and naive. Of course there are. But there are also tons of people on the internet that are just on here for a good time, to find people that relate to them, people that like the same thing that they do. That's why I waste my time on this hunk of metal that realistically brings me nothing but more drama and stress than I already have in my day-to-day life.

It all started a few years ago. Websites for younger people where you can interact in a very immature setting and just have fun. I actually thank these experiences because they are what introduced me to graphic design, which I have a knack for and actually became quite good, before giving it up and losing interest. I really should start again, I could have had a future career in it if i had just stuck to it and pushed through the creative blocks. But I was young when it started - ten, nearly eleven - and making friends online was something that I only knew about through after school specials, when your "friends" ended up being the pedophile down the road.

I've grown up since then, matured in so many ways. But it feels like that part of me is going to be forever immature, far too hopeful and unrealistic than the part of me that takes care of my daily life in person. I know what to do, what not to do, what's real, when to call bullshit. I know how to take care of myself and stay away from things and people that are going to throw me off track from what I want to do, and where I should be going. As far as 14-year-olds go, I'm pretty good. I know right from wrong. But the second I sit down at the keyboard, it all goes out the window. I'm immature and my hopes are so high for things that are so unrealistic that when they all come crashing down (which they ALWAYS do), it's like I can't find anything to land on. When it comes to the internet, it's all or nothing. I can't only stay in touch with certain people, it's not how it works. I need to keep up with everyone - and they're all linked.

I've lost people online. I had a best friend, but when times got tough I took the easy way out and cut her out of my life. It was probably a cowardly thing, but it had to be done for my own mental health. You start to care so much about these people that you expect to see them daily. Your IMs and emails are the same as chatting in the hall, or meeting up downtown. It doesn't change that it's over a lit screen instead of face to face. And that's a problem. You meet people from all around the world. Different states, contries, continents. And you know that the chances of having enough dedication, time, and patience to meet them are slim to none. And the safety factor something else to worry about.

But still, you care about these anonymous screen names more than you should. They're people too, they go through pain, and when you know someone strictly through text, it's almost like you know them better. You get deep inside their soul instead of just seeing their face. There aren't as many distractions, and eventually, you love them. It's not intentional, and it doesn't always happen. But the same way you love your friends in real life, you love your internet friends.

And then, it comes crashing. It always...comes crashing.
And the sound is so loud that you don't know which way to go, and you panic.
And then you just run away, because it's simply the easiest thing,
and you really just want a grip on reality.

It's so much harder than you would think.