pushing forward.

I'm home sick today.
ZOMG SWINE FLU?!?! LOLOLOL?!?!!11
No. Shut. Up.

Anyway, here's the deal. I've had a lot of people in my life who have changed, or pretended to be something they're not. And at this point, it's enough already. I get it - people change. It happens. It sucks, but it happens.

But sometimes I see these people. Watch them walking, see what they write, see them laugh, and it seems like they're the same person I always thought they were. Always WISHED they were. I try not to ask much of people, really. I do...but I try not to. I hate when people who are no longer the person I thought they were walk up to me and start talking and I can't hear a word they're saying. All I see when I look at them is something sort of like disappointment. Why couldn't they be the person that I thought they were? A GREAT person. It just makes me so mad and what I'm writing probably makes no sense but whatever.

But the thing is that who these people are is working out for them, making them happy. Therefore making me happy, somewhat. But it makes me so frustrated when they're moving on and being happy and doing what they love...and I'm stuck here. I always tend to cling to people older than me...that have to leave. People I don't really know...who end up disappointing me. People I THINK I know...who end up hardly even existing. And I hate it, and it makes me hate myself. Why can't I be smarter than that? Why can't I just be happy with what I have, who I am, who everyone else is? Why do I have to be so picky...when really I'm lucky to have anything?

It's unfortunate I feel that way. I'm not good enough to have something even basic, why want something extraordinary? It's not fair of me, it's not rational, it's not going to happen. it's setting myself up for disappointment, which I always do. I set my expectations SO HIGH that I'm always let down when they're not met. They've been met once...but that shouldn't count. It didn't really exist. It was a lie, just like the ones I tell myself everyday.

I just want to know what I'm here for. Why I exist. What I'm meant to do in this world. I have this great elaborate plan for my life, but it's like in one of those word puzzles where you have the sentence structure,but you have to fill in the words. I don't know those words yet and I'm scared I won't find them in time. Because that sentence doesn't allow extra time. It's not part of the plan. Or the story.

Honestly, I think I just need something to believe in, and someone to believe in it with me.

don't tell me

What to do, how things will turn out, what I deserve, who I should be with, why I'm not with them, what's wrong with me, what's RIGHT with me. Just don't say it. I don't need to hear it.

I'm sick and tired of mixed signals. I'm tired of walking down the halls and seeing you and then having something inside me tugging, telling me to walk the other way. Play with your head, mess with your emotions. Or maybe it's just to keep myself away.

I'm done with being confused, and I'm done with feeling. I wish I could just not have emotions, even for a day. I know I wouldn't like it, I know it's one of those "the grass is always greener" things...I just want to see what it's like to not care. I've been told it's wonderful. I've been told it makes things a million times easier and creates a whole new outlook on life. I've been told it's worth the effort, and worth what you lose. I just want to know the feeling...of not feeling.

I'm so through with people telling me how I should act, what I should look like, what's wrong with how I am now. Who I am now. I hate talking to you. I hate when you walk up to me and act like nothing ever happened between us. Then turn around when you're done with me and walk back to her, just like you did last fall. Just like you've always done. I wish you could understand what you did to me - whether my emotions now or then were rational or not...they existed. I know you still think about me. I have no idea what those thoughts are, all I can say is that I catch you looking at me across the room sometimes and when I look back you don't bother to drop your eyes.

I don't mind being like this. In fact, I'm the most content now than I have been in a while. Things seem easy, life seems carefree, summer is almost here. And yet there's always something....something nagging me and letting me know that no matter how nice things seem, there's someone dying somewhere. There's a chance I'm in the midst of getting my heart broken again. I'm not going to make it to where I want. I'm not good enough.

There's the voice of reason in my head that no matter what keeps me in check. It's necessary and without it I would be a mess, but sometimes I just wish it would keep quiet.

going back and forth.

You drive me insane. Sometimes, you are so moody and pissy and such a little girl that it makes me want to SLAP you. But other times you hold me so tight and are so kind that I can't help but think of you as more than a friend. But the problem is that I can't do that. Your taste is so immature, your heart and your head are so confused. You don't know what you want, so you go after anything. The wrong things. I hate to sound so vain, but I know what is best for you. I know that the people you are choosing aren't right. I've been right so far, why do you refuse to listen to me? At this point I've given up trying.

You're never going to listen to me, you're just going to keep getting mad at me and telling me that I interfere too much and it's your life. And you're right, it is. I should let you make your own mistakes. But I hate that I'm right in front of you, and yet you can't seem to see me. Maybe you see me and pretend you don't. I don't even know.

I always wonder what would happen if I came clean. I keep telling myself that no boys will be best for me, that I need to just step back and give myself some space. But you're always there. I can't help but think about you. I wish I could just get some mental space.

But when you hug me and tell me that it's going to be okay I can't get that space, because at that moment I don't want it.

Spring cleaning

Of my mind, my heart, and my life.

I need to cut people out, and make people work for what they gain. I can't automatically give everyone all of me. My trust is fucked up, It has been for a while, and it's worse now. But oh well. I'll live. It's time for me to grow up and realize that it's not all about me. Some people aren't going to think the same way I do, some people aren't going to like the same things, some people aren't going to care. They aren't going to care about me, how I feel, or my world in general. And I'm just going to have to accept that. And I think I'm ready.

I need to clean out my mind of anything relating to a few specific people. I will start being happy with what I have. Friendships, relationships, possessions, everything is to be cherished and not abused. I don't show nearly enough appreciation for what I have. I get mad at my parents on a whim, but never thank them for the effort they put in. I get pissed when I get bad grades, but don't put in nearly enough work as I should. I get mad when people backstab me, but don't know them well enough for them to know things in the first place. I just need to stop, slow down, back away, and take a good look at things before I leap in.

I bought some new books today, they're both supposed to be very good. I'm reading Cut right now. It's really good, and very interesting. The other one I got is about a girl who's boyfriend died and she still feels connected to him through the grave - it's a book about soulmates. A lot of things have started to lessen my belief in love. I used to think that love at first sight existed - I don't anymore. I used to have no doubt in soul mates - now I need convincing. I'm surprised that I don't just throw the entire idea of love out the window right now. But I know people love me. Maybe not all the ones I want, maybe not the right ones at times, but people do. And I should appreciate that. I say that people who have partners don't appreciate the love they get - but I don't fully appreciate the love and care I get from my parents, which a lot of other people don't have. it's just another thing to get over and move on with.

HAHAHA

Wow. I'm just...hahahaha.

Bravo, Tom.

there was a time,

When I believed in myself. When I looked at myself in the mirror and could smile, and looked forward to the day ahead. I grabbed my bag, my book, and my pen, and I was off. I pretended as if I had issues - maybe pretended isn't the right word. They just weren't as crucial as I thought they were. With more experience, and more hurt, comes more understanding.

I don't have much to complain about. Sometimes I sit here and tell myself I need to suck it up. I need to just get over things and move on. So I'm heartbroken. So are millions of other people. No one is trying to make themselves better, and sitting and indulging in my pain just makes it worse. And yet, it's all I tend to do.

I sit here and stare at my camera. If I just take a walk outside, point it towards something that Mother Nature made beautiful, and pressed the button, I could forever keep something pretty with me. Something to remind me that this life was not meant to be colorless and dreary, but happy and filled with laughter. It's often very hard to look past the darkness in this world to see the pigments, but it's worth it.

I'm so young. And so self-involved. And so focused on making me good enough for myself. Some people would say that the right route. Please yourself before you please others. But my quest for self acceptance has gone no where. It was close to almost being fulfilled, but then that fell through and I'm right where I started. Sitting at this desk, venting to something that can't answer me. My heart tight in my chest. Missing someone.

It's all the same.

the worst part,

Is sitting here. Staring at something that you know could make all the difference, but there's something stopping you. This lit screen is watching you waste away your time looking at it, clicking things, typing things, having a life. But really it's such a menace.

I wouldn't be in this position if it wasn't for this stupid machine. Although I'm entirely thankful for it and everything, it made a lot of bad things happen. It makes it nearly impossible to get over things. Because there's always a reminder. It's just horrible.

And there's nothing you can do about it. You sit here, planning out what you want to say in your head. You have the perfect thing typed up - worded correctly, spell checked, grammar checked, not too suggestive but still gets your point across - but you can't send it. It could be for a couple of reasons;

1. That person doesn't want to read it, and you know it.
2. What if it just fucks things up more. I suppose it's better to leave it, right?
3. What if it is misunderstood.
4. You're scared of things getting back to how they were.

I mean, really. It's not like it was fun. It was confusing. But it was also habit. I'm not used to being ignored and disliked. I hate being hated.

And yet your fingers still slide along the keys, adding more and more as days go by to that one unsent message that you know the other person has no interest in reading, and will probably only make them more disconnected.

But you absolutely refuse to delete it -_-